How to talk with a girl you really like

I spent YEARS overcoming this, but you know how it is when you learn something – it becomes part of you, and you start to think “of course it’s like this!” You forget all that hard work and mindset shifting you did.

Before this becomes common sense to me, I’d better write it down so that others won’t have to ruin their lives any further.

I was always afraid of talking to the girls whom I found really beautiful. Cute enough? yes, I could behave myself. But stunningly cute or hot?

we’re talking this level of hotness here

In middle/high school I wouldn’t even admit to myself that I wanted to look at them. In university, there was one girl I liked a lot, called Anne. I immediately started flirting with a girl sitting next to me that I wasn’t interested in the least. Everyone thought I liked her instead and started teasing me, that’s how good I was at fooling myself.

One day, after I was talking with another Chinese girl (I’m usually not interested in Chinese girls, especially this one), a friend asked me if I liked her. I said no, why? He said “because that’s how you talk when you’re flirting with someone”. And he was right. I knew that already, but somehow she was the only girl I could talk like that with (and somehow we both knew that I wasn’t really interested anyway).

How could I unfuck myself?!

In fact, first I would have to learn how to talk to strangers; how to talk to women I wasn’t attracted to; how to ask women out; how to ask women that I was attracted to out; and then I could start talking to women I was VERY attracted to. Oh, and asking them out too.

Dude, you say: what about “actually getting with the girl I was really attracted to”?
Well, no. Firstly, whether such a girl is available or likes me is out of my control. Secondly, such girls are rare, and it’s rare enough that a normal girl likes me anyway! Thirdly: I really don’t need another reason to be needy.

It was easy to live with my defect in the clubs. The hot girls were so popular that you couldn’t get a word in anyway. I looked instead at the demure girl in the corner who actually would’ve been the belle du jour if she had taken the effort to dress up more. At the bus stop – I forced myself to talk to them, and resented them because they could just brush me away like a fly – apparently men all “have the freedom to go for what they want”, and what they want is sex, so they have to be on guard.

Well, not always. If someone just started talking to you somewhere, wouldn’t you be a bit wary until you knew what the deal was? I got into the habit of telling them that they were attractive right from the very beginning.

Always ask yourself: why? all the way down
Let’s try one situation.
Why am I not going to acknowledge/look at that girl who’s so cute?
Because I’ve gotten rejected/ignored enough from girls like that in the past, now’s my time to reject/ignore them.
Why?
Because my ego wants to feel good.
Why?
OK, I admit it, my ego is stupid. I’ll just say hi, at least.

Let’s try another situation.
Why am I not going to talk to that girl who’s so cute?
Because I have absolutely no idea what to say!
Why?
Because “hi” can’t be good enough!
Why?
Because I’m sure so many other guys have approached her already!
And you’re not better than them?
Well…
There are 4 possibilities, and here are 2 of them:
a. You don’t feel like you’re good enough, and you’re actually not good enough.
b. You don’t feel like you’re good enough, but you’re actually good enough (this is the hardest part. Soldier on, find success to build up your confidence)

When I started dancing, it was the same story all over again, even though now I actually had something to offer (a dance) instead of an awkward conversation leading nowhere. Still, I was afraid to ask the “good” girls out to dance, and anyway everybody wanted to dance with them so they were hard to get hold of. I also had my hands full figuring out what a “good dance” was.

Relationships (even short term ones) start because you have something of value to offer each other.

At the same time, you have no idea what people could want. She could want someone to call her a whore and slap her in the face. no really.

After some time I noticed that women have the same issue… they sometimes get afraid of dancing with this particular guy. They’re nervous they won’t be able to dance as well as they normally could. Or something.

Then one day, that started happening to me. The beginners would be hesitant and shy. Sometimes, when making a mistake with women whom I thought were better at dancing than me, they’d quickly apologize, make an excuse. Ah, they were a bit tired after work, were hungry, hadn’t danced for a while, whatever. They knew how to dance, so why were they making excuses for little mistakes that always happen anyway?

Sometimes, at dance parties where people know each other socially, women who knew me always wanted to dance with me so I could never get off the dance floor. Wait a minute, this situation sounds familiar – aren’t those hot women always hard to get ahold of because they’re always being asked to dance?

But nothing about me had actually changed! It was just their perception. I had just been improving myself linearly.

IT WAS JUST THEIR PERCEPTION.

I’m cool? I dance really well? …some people actually consider me cute? is it just because I’m 30-something these days?

Imagine, a girl probably goes through all this when she hits puberty. Just because she suddenly grew some breasts or maybe a butt, guys look at her differently and want to ask her out. It’s not like she became a better person. Maybe that’s why women aren’t completely bowled over by good looks like most men are. They know firsthand that it’s all a matter of perception.

Be conscious of why you think she’s perfect. See through that perfection to the imperfection. Every face has a “bad” angle.

guess who this is. Looks cute but eh, right?

Become the person you fear
If you’re afraid of talking to fit, well dressed women who always seem like they’ve got better things to do than talk to you – be a fit, well dressed man who is so busy when he goes out of his way to talk to a woman, it’s because he thought “ugh, I really should focus on this other thing but hey she’s cute, let’s give this one a chance”.

“Well-dressed” from whose point of view? Yours. After all, her being well dressed is also your perception.

Once you become the person others fear talking to, you realize there’s nothing special about anyone.

Today I have more female friends than male friends from dancing. For the most part, they don’t understand this struggle, nor do they really care. Tell your girlfriend about how difficult it is to ask out women whose beauty scares you, and most likely they will make it about their egos “so you find other women more beautiful than me?”

For them, getting the attractive partner is not the problem. Keeping the attractive partner is the problem.

Get used talking to, and making friends with attractive girls, keeping in mind that one attractive girl is another man’s “10”

A male friend once told me that one of my female dance friends was so beautiful that he didn’t dare say much when she was around. I thought for a while. Yes, she was very feminine for a German woman, and was cute too. But I don’t think of her as a 10 (let’s think of scary girls as a 10), more like a solid 8. Remember, you’re already friends with 10s. They’re just not 10s to you. Neither are the 10s you’re afraid of really 10s.

Her name is Brooke Shields. Hopefully you’re not scared of her anymore.

If you still wanna read about this stuff instead of actually going out and taking action, here’s what the Good Looking Loser has to say on the topic.

LTFS Guide: speed and tape longevity

In the previous part, I learned how to write data to LTO4 tape, got frustrated and splurged on an LTO5 drive to take advantage of LTFS. The drive came – and it works! It even came with a free HP H222 SAS adapter and 2 new LTO5 tapes.

Yup, screams “serious business”.

Why LTFS is useful

  • No more writing down which file was in which block on paper.
  • No more waiting until one file is finished writing to start dd-ing the next file. I can copy bunches of files at once
  • Folders! just like a USB or DVD.
  • Windows has no software to read Linux tarballs, and Linux has no software to read backups made by Windows backup programs, but both can read/write LTFS.

Sounds like basic stuff but before LTFS, the only way you wrote to tape was through proprietary software you had to pay a lot for or use Linux’s tar+dd.

Continue reading LTFS Guide: speed and tape longevity

Some Musings about Creating Your Own Currency – Interview with Chris Robison, Part 2

In a Discord chat I had with Chris, I try to figure out how to use meTokens, and what are the value dynamics around a personal token. I find that to get the most out of this token, nothing beats having a solid reputation and personal brand. In other words – it is one of many possible funding systems.

(I actually use a different chat handle IRL)

[10:57 PM] chiwbaka: I just added collateral to the tune of 0.1 ETH to my token, but it says the Total Supply is 1000 - same as before. Is this supposed to happen?
[11:00 PM] CBobRobison | meTokens: Yes. If you add collateral, you're only increasing the amount of ETH backing the already existing meTokens. If you want to increase the supply, then you'll need to buy/mint new meTokens
[11:25 PM] chiwbaka: I thought my collateral was supposed to be my time/services? @CBobRobison | meTokens

Continue reading Some Musings about Creating Your Own Currency – Interview with Chris Robison, Part 2

LTO tape backup tutorial

When I was young, I downloaded a lot, and burned a lot of CDRs and DVD-Rs. Nothing would ever fit onto them, so I’d have to split movies up, or put some episodes of an anime series here and another there, and that disc had a few megabytes free, so there went a few more episodes… this was a major pain in the ass.

I have also since amassed a 600GB music+photos collection, which I’d hate to lose to silent data corruption, drive failure, ransomware, theft or whatever. No matter how many layers Bluray had, it just wasn’t enough – imagine figuring out how to split all this between 12 BD-R DLs.

drive+tape
The answer: a Quantum LTO4 drive (~200EUR). It’s much longer than a Bluray drive, much noisier, much hotter, and even requires an additional SAS HBA (so all in all, very exotic and sexy). Each tape is 800GB and costs 10-20EURs, and unlike DVD-Rs going bad, tape is much more reliable (all digital movie footage, especially digitized film, is stored on tape these days).

Continue reading LTO tape backup tutorial

Why You Should Create Your Own Currency, according to meTokens creator Chris Robison


* 1. Introduction
* 2. Personal currencies – plausible?
* 3. Examples
* 3.1. Dance Teacher
* 3.2. Photographer
* 3.3. Software developer
* 3.4. Models
* 3.5. Doctors
* 3.6. Journalists/historians
* 3.7. Film directors
* 4. Final Thoughts

1. Introduction


In this pilot installment of Chiwbaka’s Chainterviews, Chris Robison, the founder of meTokens, discusses a truly out-there concept – making your own personal currency. He also gives several examples of how dancers, teachers, musicians, film directors and artists of all kinds can benefit from this strange new invention.

Fittingly he now has his own token, $CBOB! Each CBOB is worth 0.0038EUR as of the time of publication. I wonder what this means…

Continue reading Why You Should Create Your Own Currency, according to meTokens creator Chris Robison

The New Economy of Trust Networks – an overview

Explanation

Think of your friends and how you have tit for tat with one another. There is an unspoken agreement to keep track of such favours implicitly, and if you have a friend who really keeps track of every cent he spent when doing favours for another, you’d all think he was a miser and keep your distance in some fashion.

Meanwhile, to exchange favours with the rest of the world, you use an abstraction of value called money. Over there, business is strictly business.

Now imagine if the tit for tat network could be expanded to not just include your close friends, but people who know about and presumably like you. Like your fans, or merely acquaintances who think you’re cool because they don’t yet know you eat boogers in the bathroom. Tit for tats could also be exchanged through a mutual acquaintance, enabling the exchange of favours with a total stranger.

Of course you’d need to keep track of all this explicitly, with currencies.

Could such a network reduce the importance of money in our lives/make transactions more personal, and abolish the desperate need to get rich at all costs?

the projects I know of in this space

Roll lets you create ERC20 personal tokens.

MeTokens seems to be the same thing, but adds a bonding curve, making your tokens more expensive as demand for them increases.

Trustlines an IOU exchanging network just like Lightning (Bitcoin), but mostly for fiat currencies and the integrated “Beer” currency.

Circles UBI an IOU exchanging network, except that these are personal tokens, which are replenished daily (it is a UBI).

Predictions

Although this won’t replace money altogether, this form of explicit tit for tat could become a way of socially signaling you are closer together. Great way for famous people to make you pay more to feel more included, artists to rally their highest paying patrons etc.

Hippies will love this, and it’ll become even easier for them to live without money now. They might even think of this as money and start a movement to abolish this…

Value perception remains as important as ever. For your personal tokens to have value, you must make people see the value in you. This is not easy. And you must back up your tokens when called upon.

Recovering From COVID19

On the first week of March, I got the coronavirus. This is my experience at accelerating my recovery from it. The government was of no help, as usual.

It was just a cold


After going to Paris for EthCC, I got a cold. It was manageable at first, until the day I had to fly back to Berlin, because I thought hey, my flight is so early in the morning, might as well save money by sleeping over at the airport instead of a hostel!


Except that I didn’t even get to the airport in time to sleep, because I was having too much fun dancing zouk. In the end it was 4am, I couldn’t sleep on the bus because I was cold and afraid I might miss the stop at the airport, and when I had finally walked to the boarding gate, there wasn’t enough time to get proper sleep anyway.


There the cold really stopped being a sniffle and I had to blow my nose every now and then.

An aside about the Paris airport: incredibly, you will see homeless people sleeping in the airport. I don’t blame them, but when they piss on a wall indoors, when they could have just walked to a restroom, they really should be kicked out. I have no idea who said Paris was the city of romance.

Once I returned to Berlin, I slept with a hot water bottle. My cold improved immediately, and my mucus became green. So much for the cold.

But a day later, while walking back home, I felt the beginnings of a fever.

Continue reading Recovering From COVID19

Lifesim and Girlsim, answering the big questions of life

A few days ago I discovered cadCAD while researching token engineering, and in a fit of sudden creativity, I coded up two simulations to life’s questions that had been subtly bothering me.

I know I’ll get a lot of flak from people about the dating simulator, even from dating coaches I took advice from, where making a simulation is “thinking too much” to them. But being able to put hard numbers on my expectations is the biggest thing I never knew I was missing.

What is it?

It’s a framework to make testing simulations of complex systems easier.

Or more specifically: you write your actors and strategies and environmental conditions. cadCAD turns this into a pandas.DataFrame and runs the simulation a number of times for you, letting you switch easily between simulation strategies.

Lifesim

Lifesim 2 – a job search situation simulator


Your bank account balance over 3 years, assuming you keep living expenses at 1800EUR and you look for 3 jobs per month between jobs

Suppose the following:
* You’re looking for a job.
* Your monthly expenses are 1800EUR.
* You have a 20% chance of getting a job once you’ve applied for it (IRL this means personal contact, not sending your resume somewhere)
* Most jobs pay around 3000EUR +- 2000EUR.
* Each month, a job has a 10% chance of firing you.
* You can afford to make 2-3 personal connections per month that lead to jobs.
* Your minimum criteria: job must pay at least your monthly living expenses.

What will your bank account look like in 3 years?

To play with the numbers, set up Jupyter notebook and the Python virtual environment with requirements.txt.

Takeaways

To guarantee that your balance will be positive in 3 years, you must look for jobs which pay 2 * monthly living expenses, and you must meet 2-3 people who can provide such jobs per month.

Girlsim

Suppose you’re a 5. How many girls should you ask out per day, and how choosy can you be, to have a satisfactory dating life?

Girlsim – how choosy can you afford to be?

No, there won't be a picture of a hot girl here
If you’re an ‘8’ who only dates ‘7s and up’, here’s your dating history over 30 lifetimes, assuming you’ve asked out 1000 girls (each colour is a different lifetime)

Critical assumptions

  • By definition, most girls are 5 in hotness. Sorry if I burst any princess bubbles.
  • Women of hotness x prefer hotness x+1 (some prefer less actually, but that’s another discussion).
  • Even if you move to a city where you find most girls hot, after a few months you will grow accustomed.
  • You meet an 8 just about as frequently as other people meet their 8s. That is, it doesn’t matter what an 8 actually looks like.
  • Chemistry is modeled by secret Chemistry numbers. If they match up (around 5-10% chance, or 1-2/20), you have chemistry.

Defining Success

Personally, “the feeling of sexual abundance” is important, i.e. you’re not desperate to cling on to her because she’s the only girl who’ll like you back in a long long time.

There are 2 ways of defining this. Pick one.

  1. 1000 girls is 1 year of asking out 3 girls a day. At least 1 girl a month is a reasonable expectation.

  2. The hotness distribution of girls who accepted you must look like a normal distribution, not discrete.

Takeaways

  1. Don’t be choosy. If you’re a 5 who only dates 7s, you’ll spend most of your time being desperate/insecure in a relationship, or lonely.
  2. Even if you do end up becoming a ‘9’ through hard work and upgrading your wardrobe, you’ll still mostly date 5s and 6s. Why? simple, there are more of them around.
  3. Improving your looks really makes a big difference, but it is no guarantee that you will end up with a hot girl. But it’s okay. There are many dimensions to women other than ‘hotness’.

Life Lessons from Dancing

There’s a big gulf between knowing and doing.
I spent a lot of time thinking of how to think so that I could generate moves. That helped to a certain extent, but I just kept thinking fruitlessly instead of just going out there and making mistakes.

Mistakes are great improvisation opportunities – and they make it more fun to dance with beginners (as long as they follow the basics). You can always alter the tension in the embrace/grip, and this changes the character of the dance and makes new things possible.

It’s not good enough to be good.
You need to be socially connected.
Going to a milonga, salsa party or any kind of partner dance social? The good dancers are usually too busy talking and dancing with other people for you to muscle into the situation in a smooth way.

Same with dating and (probably) making money too. Cold approach is not something you should use all the time, but an additional skill in your pocket that you pull out when the time is right (or if you have no other choice).

What do women want? Probably not what you think they want.
It’s easy to think that women want to see your fancy moves, your cars, your riches. No doubt this catches attention – but catching someone’s attention is just getting your foot in the door.

Many women also mistake attention for attraction, the classic example? Women who wear stockings in winter. Have they got our attention? Yes. Are we attracted? Maybe… but she’s obviously got issues. Similarly, if a leader looks great when dancing, but actually isn’t fun to dance with, or leads moves roughly for the follower, she won’t speak well of him afterwards.

Think of your fancy moves, clothing, watches, cars as the candy wrapper. In the end, the chocolate still needs to taste at least as good as the others, if not better.

What’s the chocolate in dance? It’s the feeling of understanding someone at a level where no words are needed. See Cory Henry and Yoran Vroom at 3:53. Telepathic understanding. Emotional sync.

Maybe that’s why women use so many words and emojis with each other, and obsess over how every part of their behaviour comes across. It’s all about establishing emotional harmony (this implies fitting in).

Appearance and reality, just like attention and attraction, are quite disconnected.
Germany is a strange country – a restaurant’s decor correlates directly with its food quality, whereas in Asia, you purposely go to shabby looking stalls by the side of the road to get great chicken rice that’s just as good as fancy restaurants.

For Germans, eating out is a social occasion, and the food is just one part of it. The atmosphere of course contributes to the occasion, and any restaurateur who neglects that is probably similarly sloppy in other aspects.

This is a classic correlation != causation example that only happened because of a particular mindset towards eating.

Apparently, I appear confident and know what I’m doing.
Or rather, women get insecure about their own abilities too and you have to constantly reassure them that yes, I did intend to lead that move.

I heard some women are like that with their looks.

Again, appearance and reality are two very different things. Sometimes they are connected. Beware this mental shortcut.

As you decide for a particular style, you will alienate people.
Dress normal and everybody will think nothing of you.
Dress preppy and some people will think you’re posing.
Dress goth and most people will think you’re “weird”.
Dress outdoorsy and you won’t stand out to the preppy people.